Help! My primary school child wants to quit the band!

Participating in a school band should be a rewarding experience for children. In theory, it can offer them the opportunity to become skilled in their chosen instrument, learn how to read music and develop skills in rhythm and timing. It could – and should – also be an opportunity to learn to be part of a team, to practice patience, and hopefully, perhaps most important of all, foster a lifelong love for music.

But this isn’t always the outcome. It’s not uncommon for primary school kids to quit the school band after a year or two. Many primary schools see a huge influx of keen kids lining up for instrument try outs at the beginning of year 3, and yet by the following year, the numbers have significantly dwindled. By year 6, numbers can be well down. So what's going on?

Find out why they want to quit

The key is getting to the bottom of the issue. Your child might just come home one day and say, “I don’t want to go to band anymore”. But you can't really address the issue if you don't know why they want to quit. I would advise parents to go deeper and try to nut out why they don’t want to keep going to band as sometimes it's nothing to do with the music! You might need to ask several times – or even ten times – you know how kids are!

Here’s a few common reasons why kids might say they don't want to stay in the band. Some are easier to address than others!

1. I don’t want to waste a lunchtime at band because that's when everyone plays soccer.

2. It’s too rushed, I don’t even get to eat lunch.

3. I have to sit next to Joe and I don't like Joe.

4. The conductor is too cranky.

5. I don’t like my instrument.

6. It’s too hard.

7. It’s boring What can you do to help your bored musician find the fun in music?

8. I hate practising Here’s a few suggestions on dealing with this very common problem.

Something else is on at lunchtime

This is a really common complaint for kids. Whether it’s the day for soccer, handball, time on the equipment and so on, if there is something else very appealing on at that particular lunchtime, it’s hard for young kids to get past that.

- Talk to the school

It may be that whoever scheduled band rehearsal didn’t realise that Friday is ‘oval’ day for that age group. You could always ask the school if they would be willing to move the rehearsal time to before or after school or a different lunchtime especially if there are lots of other kids who have the same concern (ask around!)

- Negotiate a compromise

But failing that, perhaps you can come up with a compromise with your child. Remember the end goal is to encourage your child to love music over the long term so you don’t want something as trivial as this to cause them to pull the plug!

For example, perhaps they could do 6 months of band and then not do it for the second semester so they can play soccer in the second half of the year. As part of the compromise, you would agree that they would take up band again the following year when the schedule is different.

Or, find out who is playing soccer on the Friday lunchtime and try to arrange a regular soccer kick game with some of those kids after school or on the weekend.

It’s too rushed and I don’t get to eat lunch.

This is similarly common and particularly if your child is hungry, or a slow eater, then this can become a big issue. Again, if it’s a deal breaker for your child, please talk to the school, your child’s teacher or the conductor as they might have a perfectly workable solution. My son’s teacher allowed the band kids to leave class ten minutes before lunchtime so they could eat their lunch and still arrive on time for rehearsal. Another option is to get your child to eat a big lunch at recess on band days and then just have a quick snack before or after band rehearsal. If your child isn’t able to manage this on their own, their teacher is likely more than willing to help remind them.

The conductor is too cranky.

Hmmmm …this can be a bit of a problem. One of my children quit the school band for two years because the conductor yelled the whole time. It was only years later that I found out lots of other kids left for the same reason and that she had left primary school band conducting to join the army!

So, chat to the school and see if there is an actual issue here as this is no way to teach kids to love music. Unfortunately, it’s likely not something within your control. Again, just remember the end goal. If your child dips out of the school band for a year or two, there are other places he or she can keep up with their instrument (like North Shore Music Ensembles)! Even if they just continue with lessons, this is better than them starting to hate music and quitting altogether.

However, if it’s more of a personality issue, and other kids don’t have this problem, hopefully they will only have this conductor for one year and then have someone else as they move up into the next band. It’s really hard to tough it out when your child really doesn’t like a teacher, and I’ve not found a golden ticket for dealing with this yet after more than a decade!

I don’t like my instrument

This is another very common complaint. But listen to your kid. It’s easy for a child to think they don’t like music and wont like any other instrument if they just don’t like the one they have. Often kids get allocated an instrument that they didn’t want because the band needed someone to play that instrument. So talk to the conductor or the school to ask if your child can have a go of something else. Schools often push back on this, frankly because its messy – all the instruments have been allocated, they may really need that instrument in the band and no one else wants to do it, and you’ve already booked in for a term of lessons so it’s difficult to cancel this.

BUT, do what you can to navigate this and try to get your child onto the instrument they really want to try. I find it really sad when a child quits music altogether because they weren't allowed to play the instrument they wanted to play. If you can’t rent the new instrument through the school, you can very often buy and affordable instrument on gumtree or facebook marketplace. Or borrow someone’s – I can’t tell you how many old trumpets and clarinets are floating around people’s houses!

If the school is really making it difficult, usually if you explain that your child will just quit the band if they can’t change, they will acquiesce as even policy makers can see that isn’t a good outcome for the child!

Of course, it may be that a band instrument isn't right for them. There's always guitar, piano, drums or strings! Listen to your child and let them try the instruments they're drawn to.

It’s too hard

Again, use your powers of deduction. What’s too hard? Getting a sound? Reading the music? Setting up the instrument or packing it away? If it’s too hard for them to get a nice sound or read music – you’re in luck!

We all know how much kids love tech and the good thing is, online music resources are amazing these days and many are free. There are plenty of kid-friendly videos or games and even courses available online to help your child learn to read music or get a nice sound from their instrument or learn how to make the notes. If you can capitalise on your child’s love for tech to help them gain more confidence in playing their instrument, this can go a long way towards helping them feel more confident at band. And hopefully, it soon won’t just feel “too hard.”

It’s too boring.

Is it really boring or is it something else?

OK, so if they say they find band boring, you still need to dig deeper. What exactly is boring about it? Is it really boring or is something else the problem? Boring can be code for other things, like too hard, too easy, I just want to play handball, I don’t like the music etc etc.

But if they really insist it's too boring, read our blog on what to do if your child says band is boring!

I hate practising.

There’s no doubt that practise helps all musicians - including kids - improve a lot faster. In fact, the difference between the kids who practise a few times a week and those who don’t is quite significant.

So, IF your child likes practising, that’s fantastic. But, and this is a big BUT, remember that most kids do not like practising! Unless your child is very motivated to become good at their instrument, or has a very clear goal for where they want to be with their music, most kids aren't big on music practise, any more than they are keen on study.

This can become a really big sticking point, particularly because, as we all know, music lessons and musical instruments are expensive! Here are a few ways to handle it if your child refuses to practise.

At NSME we offer a special band program for primary school aged kids through our Junior Jam Squad.